FOOTBALL
Okay ladies, here’s the big one: Football a.k.a. the NFL. The name alone doesn’t make any sense because everywhere else in the world “footbalI" = soccer. It’s confusing, looks painful, and one game lasts as long as an entire season of The Bachelor. But, whatever, let’s get into it.
RULES
Each game is split up into four 15 minute quarters it feels more like an eternity because of the constant whistles and like, 800 intentional TV timeouts. Each team gets three timeouts per half too.
There are 11 players on the field from each team, one team playing offense and the other playing defense.
The point of the game is basically getting the ball from one end of the field to the other until they reach the “end zone” for a touchdown.
To push the ball further down the field, the offense gets 4 chances (a.k.a “downs”) to move the ball at least 10 yards. If they do, the downs start again and the offense has another 4 tries for the next 10 yards.
If the offense fails after 4 downs, the ball is turned over to the other team and this happens:
POSITIONS
OFFENSE
Quarterback - Queen Bee of the field. He tells everyone what to do for each play. He throws or hands the ball to other guys on the team to get the ball down the field. Basically, if you’ve watched literally any movie or tv show about football, the quarterback is usually the guy that says he wants to study art or theatre in college because, “Football is his Dad’s dream, not his!”.
Running Back - This is the Gretchen Weiners to the quarterback’s Regina George. He does whatever he can (block, hit, run, etc.) to make sure the ball moves forward and he’ll even return the white gold hoops that he got for Hanukah if it means the team can win.
Fullback - He’s got to be stronger than the smell of an Abercrombie & Fitch store because he has to block anyone trying to tackle the quarterback.
Offensive Line - There are 5 offensive linemen. They’re the guys who squat on the “line of scrimmage” like a girl who can’t wait for the bathroom at the bar so pees outside instead. They’re also the fat guys.
Wide Receivers - They run as fast and as far as they can down the field and catch the quarterback’s long passes, they’re usually the ~ skinny girls ~ on the team.
Tight End - These dudes catch the ball, block, and run so, basically just a mix of every other position.
DEFENSE
Defensive Line - They face the Offensive Line on the line of scrimmage and just hit or tackle anyone they see. Again, the fat men.
Linebacker - Stands behind the defensive linemen and generally follow the wide receivers, running backs, and tight ends like a clingy girlfriend to make sure another girl doesn’t snag her man (i.e. the ball from being caught on offense).
Cornerback - The home wreckers between the quarterback and the wide receivers either by tackling or intercepting the ball. Also the fastest player on defense.
Safety - These guys hang back from the line in case there’s a long pass or a running break away from an offensive player. They also move closer to all the action if they have to. They are quite literally responsible for keeping the defense safe from the offense.
COMMON TERMS
Down - Each chance the offense is given to move the ball at least 10 yards.
Sack - When the quarterback is tackled with the ball in their hands.
Fumble - If any player drops the ball, it’s up for grabs for both teams. It looks like when all the sad, single, girls fight over the bride’s bouquet at a wedding.
Interception - When the Quarterback throws the ball to a teammate on offense, but the defense catches it instead, the ball is then turned over to the defensive team. Basically, just imagine a guy walking up to you at a bar, but just before he reaches you, another dude comes swooping right in to offer you a drink. You know the drill.
Snap - On offense, when one of the fat guys throws the ball under his legs to the Quarterback to begin the play.
Penalty - There are literally so many kinds of penalties, including a Footloose-esque rule where you’re not allowed to dance or celebrate too much that it embarrasses the other team. Punishment for a penalty is usually a loss of gain of yardage to move the ball for the team. Penalties are marked by a little yellow flag thing that the referees throw on the field.
Line of Scrimmage - Marks the spot where the ball is set up for each play with the offense on one side and the defense on the other.
SCORING
Touchdown = 6 points
Field Goal = 3 points
If a team doesn’t reach the end zone for a touchdown they are allowed to kick the ball (the only time a foot actually touches the ball) between two poles that kind of just looks like a giant, yellow, IUD.
Extra Point = 1 point
After a touchdown, the offense is allowed to kick the ball through the yellow IUD which, gives the offense a total of 7 points.